Lab Coat
by HowAmISupposedToChoose
Summary: Gordon is having trouble adjusting to calm times, but there is one thing that is able to help.


He felt it all at once, that one bead of sweat roll dreadfully slowly down his forehead, his muscles straining to all be ready, and his eyes frantically searching for the threat that was not here yet. There were too many people around him, just another reminder of how important it was to be alert, he knew what could happen if he let something through.

Knowing his HEV suit was not with him was what pushed him even further at this point, it would help him greatly in battle, but he would have to fight without it at this point. After he had woken up without it on they tried to tell him that he would not need it and that everything was okay. They tried to explain the reasoning behind it, but he had no time to listen and he knew he wasn't getting it back. Did they not understand? This work was thrust upon his shoulders, he had to accept it and deal with it. These people did not have that, they may have had to react and fight, but this was his responsibility. He was the face of the resistance and he had to protect them. He couldn't pretend like everything was okay. He had to be ready, if he faltered, that meant failure and death.

 _Clank_. Trained to react, his pistol already aimed to where the sound came from ready to fight. Laughter proceeded to come after as a man had just dropped his fork, smiling at his mistake he carried on but his pose did not loosen even after the threat was revealed to be nothing. The threat of danger too strong to calm down just yet.

He could start to feel the piercing stares of others as he continued to stand there, ready for a threat that they could not see. He barely even registered someone say his name until something touched his back and he whipped around ready to face the thing that dared to attack him. Then he saw her eyes.

"Gordon.." he could tell she was a little surprised but spoke softly as not to startle him. "Hey, you okay buddy?" He felt warmth upon his hand and pressure as she helped him bring the gun down that he barely registered he had up. There she was, Alyx, she fought with him, but now was something different in a time like this. She wasn't ready anymore, his eyes scanned the situation. Her usual gun was holstered on her side, but not ready in her hands. Didn't she understand? His eyes darted around the surrounding area and he had noticed that people began to forget this situation and carry on but no source of danger yet.

He flinched when he felt her soft hand grab his chin, but she continued and adjusted his face so it was looking at hers. This time he really saw her. Her brows furrowed and her eyes stared into his own. She was worried, about what though? Did something happen?

"Gordon, I'm worried about you?" as if she read his mind. It took a couple seconds to register what she had meant though. She was worried about him. He felt his own intensity as he pushed her arm away and he heard her yelp. He thought she might at least understand, why he needed to be ready, to protect everyone. She went through the same shit with him too. His mind flashed to G-man, maybe nobody would ever understand.

He remembered it all too well, the blood, the slowing of time, everything. He had seen it in movies before, hell he loved scary movies, but seeing something in real life, was something completely different. The blood that laid before him was real, he remembered just talking the the man a couple minutes before, and now here he was, dead. Did it hurt? His mind rushed over all these questions, and he realized how easily this could happen to him. This wasn't supposed to happen in real life. He only had a couple seconds to recover before the sound of the beams behind him made him realize he needed to move. After one last look at his former co-worker, he frantically tried to get out.

After getting through the doors, paused briefly at the next scene, so much destruction he had just caused. He had to try to ignore the dying men on the ground as he carried on. The next hallway was littered with bodies and debris, as he tried to get through an explosion occurred causing a large piece of machinery to fall on the body that lay near spraying blood all over. He saw red. Gordon was coated now with blood, he paused, attempting to wipe off his glasses with trembling fingers, but nothing could clean them, instead it kept getting worse as he just continued to smear the blood around. They wouldn't come clean.

This wasn't supposed to be happening.

He remembered how later he had found his saving grace, a crowbar, which he would later find to be his most reliable weapon that always seemed to find its way back. He was just getting used to it, when he was able to save his first person. He saw it, he didn't know what it was, but it wasn't from here. It had just jumped toward a scientist as he brought down the crowbar crushing the alien in a swift motion. He remembered the words of the scientist as he frantically tried to thank him, and Gordon knew in that moment what he had to do, he caused all of this, so he had to try to fix it.

Continuing through Black Mesa, he continued to help many of the workers, but also watched many more perish before him. The screams and cries of these people would later continue to haunt him every time he closes his eyes. But he knew no amount of saving could ever make what he did right, and he would have to live with that, but he would also live every moment sacrificing his life and body to the people he did wrong. He would suffer through it all to serve them.

Ignoring her pleas, he turned around and stormed off in the other direction, he could do this on his own. He felt the cold metal as he squeezed his hand and his finger tapping on the trigger as his muscles kept tensing. He didn't know where he was going until he stopped in front of a scientist clad in a white lab coat. Reactantly he softly grabbed his arm and gave him a questioning look to which he looked up at.

"Yes, Gordon, I'm okay." he said used to Gordon doing that before turning back to his work again. Gordon nodded and stood nearby attentive, scanning his surroundings.

Alyx had been trailing behind and had been watching. Gordon hadn't been able to relax since the ordeal and it was worrying. Just to get him to get a little rest, they had to slip something into his water, and even then, they put Barney on watch to prove to him that they were being protected just to get him calm enough to rest. When he finally fell asleep, they removed his HEV suit in hopes that would help him calm down, they all thought this was the best idea. This had the opposite effect though as his alertness started to make up for the lack of protection. Alyx usually was able to help Gordon in the middle of all of this, but now, Gordon seemed even worse than what he used to be.

It was weird to watch Gordon interact with the scientist, he was different when interacting with him and she had seen him do it other times as well. When around the scientists, he would frequently go up to them making sure they were okay, it was weird to think he was one before, so normal. Gordon was a scientist at one point, he wasn't always this great warrior that everyone makes him seem like, he was forced to do this. It's like he's forgotten how to do anything else.

Information started clicking in her head and Alyx went over to the scientist with whom she started talking to. She noticed Gordon jerked his head to see after he noticed the new sound before looking forward again. The man gladly accepted to lend his lab coat and she was now set with a new task.

Gordon continued to scan, the lack of threats has been uneasy for him and has just been making him more and more anxious. But he had a job right now. Alyx was busy talking to the scientist, as if he needed a distraction, and he wished she would join him.

It was moments later that she did.

He heard her footsteps come closer, but he was not prepared to feel a pressure all over his back. He didn't flinch, but he was frozen, his mind trying to catch up with what was going on. It felt familiar, but it also felt so far away. She came into his sight and when they made eye contact, she smiled at him, but he did not move. He felt her move his own arm, he made no move to protest as navigated it into a sleeve. Realization hit him as his eyes slowly shut and he let out a breath he did not know he was holding.

He remembered what it was like to have a full night of rest, waking up to an alarm clock in his own bedroom. Putting the radio on to take a shower and getting ready for a mundane day at work. Getting dressed and finally throwing on his white lab coat with his badge before heading out the door.

The trip through Black Mesa was always the longest, the tram took what it felt like a half hour to him to get to his department. He would sit there looking out at all the other activities occurring in there all at once, think about what was happening in the news or maybe make notes on one of the papers he was working on at the moment.

When he finally got there he would have to be escorted in and then they would let him know if he had any messages. If he was lucky, his friend Barney would be there. Although Gordon never talked much, Barney seemed to know what was on his mind and the two got along wonderfully, maybe too well in fact. But even after that, it would usually start a pretty uneventful day, and that was his life.

Alyx saw the effects instantly, his face softened as she helped his arm into the sleeve. To be honest, she didn't think it was even going to be this easy. His posture began to ease up by the time she got the first arm in, and before she even went to get the second arm in, the pistol fell to the ground and Alyx knew that she was doing the right thing. When she went to put the second arm in, she found that he was doing it on his own.

It was weird to see him like this, dressed in normal clothes and a lab coat, but at one point he used to dress like this everyday. This is Gordon Freeman. She looked back up at him to find him staring at her but then he quickly looked away. He was different now, so calm and ordinary… He didn't look like the hardened warrior she had seen before, or the awkward dork around her, but now he looked weak and scared. Taking one last look at what he must have looked like before the world started to end, then she interlaced her fingers with his and began to slowly start walking.

He followed along, what a sight to see, they noticed others noticing the change as well. Alyx gave a little squeeze in her hand to remind him that she was here. They didn't need an exchange of words for this, they now both understood each other again. Their footsteps seemed to echo in this newly quieted space as they made their way to find somewhere to sleep. Alyx looked over to find Gordon playing with the fabric of the coat with this free hand, his eyes mesmerised with it. He's just a scientist thrown into this role.

Finally finding a bed, gordon finally sat down drawing his knees to his chest and began to play with the fabric of his sleeves as if it wasn't real. By the time Alyx had came back with a blanket, he was already asleep. Gordon needed more help than she realized.

Authors note: Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading! tbh, I haven't written in forever but I actually felt like I really had to write this! Inspired by: post/152712050726/it-was-weird-only-the-lab-coat-would-really-calm

Would love to hear some criticism and if my writing is decent, please be brutally honest lol. Anyways, thanks!


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